A new Wave of Determination

Here is a new sample of the query letter I plan to send out to agents.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.  Is this something that would captivate you? Why or why not? Do you want to read it? 

This was revised with the help of a dear, old friend, Daniel Johnson.

 

KEATEP BRENDAGGER is a seventeen year old female soldier.  She expects her life to be simple, but the heritage of her blood, and the desire of the four elements, will not permit it.  Born an illegitimate daughter of the prince, she inherited the curse of the royal line.  A curse that will eventually kill her if she does not resist. 

            In hopes of gaining eternal life, an ancient jewel was forged by the first Queen of Roanfire, the "Phoenix Witch".  Unbeknownst by the queen's female posterity, this jewel drained the life force from her daughters until the Phoenix Witch had consumed them all.  For two thousand years, Roanfire remained barren of female inheritance... until Keatep was born.

            Rising again to take her supposed place upon the throne, the Phoenix Witch inflicts torturous pain upon Keatep which she cannot fight with her exceptional skill as a soldier.  Compelled to set her sword aside, Keatep sets forth to battle the Phoenix Witch with a rare magic fueled by emotions.